I'm afraid of Anti-Depressants. This is a huge issue for me, as I am currently in a bit of a slump, and, in the words of Dr. Seuss, un-slumping yourself is not easily done. (I've been using that quote a lot lately...)
I don't think there's anything wrong with them, and I don't, like, not believe in them or anything. I'm just afraid of them. My fears can really be placed into three categories:
1) Do they really work for me/ Have I found the right one?
I have this issue where I can't swallow pills, which seems to mostly be a subconscious fear thing (I've tried many times and have just completely frozen and been physically unable to try. It's quite annoying, really.) And so, because of this, I'm afraid that the one anti-depressant I've found that comes in liquid form (taste- not so great but dealable in case you were wondering) is not the right one for me.
I know this fear is irrational because there is nothing I can do about it, and this antidepressant clearly helped me previously.
2) How the fuck do I know that the people making these drugs know what they're doing to my brain?
Basically, I am of the opinion that the human brain is a fucking miracle. And I know for a fact that scientists are still baffled by the brain. At least in some ways. Basically what I'm afraid of here is that nobody has really explained to me what these drugs are doing to my brain and why that helps depression. I have found a couple of monotone lectures, which is the complete opposite of what I'm looking for.
I know this fear is irrational because science wouldn't have been able to make anti-depressants at all if they didn't know what depression is doing in your brain.
3) I don't want to become dependent/ what if I have to take them the rest of my life?
So I'm scared of being dependent on anti-depressants in such a way that if I stop taking them (gradually or suddenly), I will automatically find myself standing on top of a large patch of quicksand. (I really have a lot of ways of referring to being in a bad place depression-wise; potholes, patches of quicksand, slumps, not leaving the house, doing badly, sucking at life, being depressed; yeah there's a lot.) So along with being scared of anti-depressants being the only thing keeping me from that looming hole through the middle of the Earth that somehow emerges in China (shh, I know that wouldn't work, science, I'm not trying to cheat on you, it's a metaphor. One of way too many) I'm scared that anti-depressants being the only thing keeping me form that looming hole through the middle of the Earth that somehow emerges in China being the case for the rest of my life.
I know this fear is irrational because... actually, I don't. This is the one that everyone around me is seeming to poo-poo as obviously irrational or something I shouldn't be concerned about, which is, of course, making me more concerned. I can listen to all their arguments rationally, but my brain is not thinking of this rationally. Honestly, the way that I try to think about anxieties is in the form of this blog post: stating them, then explaining why/how I know they're irrational. But this fear is just there. Because I have no reason to believe it won't happen. Maybe the second part I have less confidence in happening, but the first part still scares the shit out of me.
Anyways, I'm going to meet a new therapist on Friday who both has the credentials to prescribe medicine (someone who knows things about both making me not flip out in their presence and medicine! What a novel concept!) and is covered by my medical insurance yet is not in their mental health offices (the building those are in make me have breakdowns. Which is why I haven't been to a psychiatrist in like two or three years)
I really hope someone convinces me to start taking medicine soon, because I had a breakdown about explaining why I love theatre today. Although, on the plus side, I did leave the house (cheap-ass halloween candy ftw!)
Oy Vey...
Jaime
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