A Poem: Ideal Jaime

In therapy group, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves in ten years. I disregarded that and wrote a poem about what my ideal self would be instead.

Ideal Jaime

A Jaime

driving

carrying a baby places

and making schedules

running rehearsal

responsibilities

confidence

things that I can do

socializing with people

following them to the bar they're headed to

being a part of something

being myself

not yelling at my mother

enjoying family dinners

feeling as though I could survive if I moved out

not completely disregarding writing prompts

knowing people in my age group

living

---

Jaime

A Poem: Metaphorical Tree

In my new therapy group, we were asked to write about a metaphorical tree; this is what I came up with. The tree I was thinking of was a Japanese Maple.

Metaphorical tree

Low, long branches

hanging to the ground

form a shield

inside the shield

light wafting through the many leaves

leaning against the frail trunk

safe in the arms

that change every season

frailer, stronger

a constant

but constant change

I sit

watching the change

both of the leaves

and the world around them

unwilling to budge

from my safe haven tree

---

Jaime

Alcohol, Marijuana, and Updates

Marijuana and Alcohol have both been on my mind as of late.

Alcohol: I'm turning 21 in April, and I'm slightly terrified to be able to legally drink alcohol, as I haven't liked the taste of any of the drinks I've tried so far (except for pink lemonade with a dash of blue curacao, and a baby mimosa- a mimosa with only a TINY bit of champagne. Tried a normal one... Jaime no likey).
I am, however, excited to be able to go into bars, if only for the reason that for the last two years, I haven't been able to hang out with people after shows because they go to a bar- which is fine, I just feel slightly dejected. But hopefully that'll change! and then I'll probably stop going to bars after, like, a month because I don't like that sort of environment, but who knows?
I have, fortunately, been assured by my sister that she is not planning to kidnap me on my 21st birthday, and my other sister is going to be out of town, so I have completely different reasons for being scared of this birthday than I did last year, which is strange. Mind you, just now realizing that my parents might try something... god I hope not.

Marijuana: Let's go in chronological order, shall we? 
In my freshman year of High School (age: 14 or 15), I found out that my sister smokes pot. Me, being the best little sister that a girl could have, immediately turned around and tattled to my parents. Who already knew. (I later discovered that they'd found her stash while helping her move into college, and she had to spend the entire 1.5 hour car ride up to college in an awkward silence with my parents- made me feel better)
The thing that I never told them was that she tried to get me to smoke pot. Which I figured my parents would be far less ok with. She has continued to attempt to get me to try it since. Not really hard, just mentioning it every once in a while ("you want some?", "hey, it's even legal now!", etc).
At this point, it's been six years and I'm ok with it now, it's just a fact and she does it and there's nothing I can do about that. But my other sister dislikes pot even more than I do.
And her new boyfriend smokes it, a fact which she is not happy about. Anyways, I get to hear her complain about that a lot, so fun times. YAY.
And then my other sister (the one that doesn't smoke), informed me that apparently my dad still does smoke pot occasionally. So that's great. (My mother has, and I quote, "not had the urge to in many years")
Overall, I still haven't decided whether or not I like the legalization of Marijuana in my state, but I definitely think it's a more pleasant smell than tobacco. And less dangerous... please don't start mass-producing joints with tar in them. Just- that's not the direction this should go.

Updates: I've been singing a shitton of broadway songs because I feel like it, I didn't get an internship with a theatre that I was really hoping to get, my theatre's moving, so overall I have nothing to do until April or May besides this therapy group I recently started that'll be over in early March. Oh, and babysitting for my almost-six-month-old niece. Who is adorable, but still. JAIME NEEDS HER SOME THEATRE.
However, I have proven myself irresponsible many times and I'm still, for some reason, uncomfortable working at any theatre besides the Schmee. So that's great.
Also, I've taken over the basement.
OH, and the sister that I always get along with is moving to Hawaii for a year tomorrow. So that's- interesting. (and don't say "Awesome! You can go visit her!" because that's a whole different beast to tackle. and I feel as though I'm holding a red flag. Though it's probably blood orange and the bull won't see it through the cloud of pretentious.)

As always, follow my fandom-y shenanigans on tumblr


P.S. sleeping niece! Also, TARDIS shirt.

---

Jaime

Why I'm Afraid of Anti-Depressants

I'm afraid of Anti-Depressants. This is a huge issue for me, as I am currently in a bit of a slump, and, in the words of Dr. Seuss, un-slumping yourself is not easily done. (I've been using that quote a lot lately...)

I don't think there's anything wrong with them, and I don't, like, not believe in them or anything. I'm just afraid of them. My fears can really be placed into three categories:

1) Do they really work for me/ Have I found the right one?

I have this issue where I can't swallow pills, which seems to mostly be a subconscious fear thing (I've tried many times and have just completely frozen and been physically unable to try. It's quite annoying, really.) And so, because of this, I'm afraid that the one anti-depressant I've found that comes in liquid form (taste- not so great but dealable in case you were wondering) is not the right one for me.

I know this fear is irrational because there is nothing I can do about it, and this antidepressant clearly helped me previously.

2) How the fuck do I know that the people making these drugs know what they're doing to my brain?

Basically, I am of the opinion that the human brain is a fucking miracle. And I know for a fact that scientists are still baffled by the brain. At least in some ways. Basically what I'm afraid of here is that nobody has really explained to me what these drugs are doing to my brain and why that helps depression. I have found a couple of monotone lectures, which is the complete opposite of what I'm looking for. 

I know this fear is irrational because science wouldn't have been able to make anti-depressants at all if they didn't know what depression is doing in your brain.

3) I don't want to become dependent/ what if I have to take them the rest of my life?

So I'm scared of being dependent on anti-depressants in such a way that if I stop taking them (gradually or suddenly), I will automatically find myself standing on top of a large patch of quicksand. (I really have a lot of ways of referring to being in a bad place depression-wise; potholes, patches of quicksand, slumps, not leaving the house, doing badly, sucking at life, being depressed; yeah there's a lot.) So along with being scared of anti-depressants being the only thing keeping me from that looming hole through the middle of the Earth that somehow emerges in China (shh, I know that wouldn't work, science, I'm not trying to cheat on you, it's a metaphor. One of way too many) I'm scared that anti-depressants being the only thing keeping me form that looming hole through the middle of the Earth that somehow emerges in China being the case for the rest of my life. 

I know this fear is irrational because... actually, I don't. This is the one that everyone around me is seeming to poo-poo as obviously irrational or something I shouldn't be concerned about, which is, of course, making me more concerned. I can listen to all their arguments rationally, but my brain is not thinking of this rationally. Honestly, the way that I try to think about anxieties is in the form of this blog post: stating them, then explaining why/how I know they're irrational. But this fear is just there. Because I have no reason to believe it won't happen. Maybe the second part I have less confidence in happening, but the first part still scares the shit out of me. 

Anyways, I'm going to meet a new therapist on Friday who both has the credentials to prescribe medicine (someone who knows things about both making me not flip out in their presence and medicine! What a novel concept!) and is covered by my medical insurance yet is not in their mental health offices (the building those are in make me have breakdowns. Which is why I haven't been to a psychiatrist in like two or three years)

I really hope someone convinces me to start taking medicine soon, because I had a breakdown about explaining why I love theatre today. Although, on the plus side, I did leave the house (cheap-ass halloween candy ftw!)

Oy Vey...

---

Jaime 

More NaNoWriMo

First of all, I'd like to share my progress with you:



At the time of writing this post, I'm at 10k, but the image above will update whenever I update my word count on the website. It's a nifty little thing (found here)

My story is currently going well (knock on wood), I have it pretty much all planned out, so I'm speeding through it. I'd just like to share a couple of things that I'm using to help me along, for no particular reasons.

First: Microsoft OneNote
I discovered OneNote this past April. It's basically just a notebook. You can link to different files and put images in it, and you can place a text box anywhere. It'll even do simple equations for you. I've been using it to gather all my parts, I have a tab where I'm keeping the write-ins I want to go to, my word count, my backup ideas, and all the scene ideas I have. Plus I made it all colorful, which is a thing I really enjoy doing.


Second: Qwertick
Qwertick is awesome. It makes your computer sound like a typewriter. I mean, that's really all I'm gonna say about it. It just makes it super fun to write. 

Wish me luck in my NaNoing!

---

Jaime

What I'm Hoping for in NaNoWriMo 2013

I'm doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month- even though it's international...) for the third time. The goal is to write a novel of at least 50k words in one month. Let me just start with the fact that the longest story I've ever written was about 23k. So I don't have much hope.

And yet, I'm still trying. Why, when I don't think I'll win? Well, first of all to give myself something to do so that I don't just aimlessly browse the internet all day without getting dressed or leaving the house. Also, to get myself to get dressed and leave the house. I'm planning to go to at least one write-in. Hopefully more, but, again, I don't have high hopes for myself. Of course, not having high hopes means that if I do actually achieve going to multiple write-ins, I will be proud of myself. Which is way better than saying "I did a thing I expected myself to do."

So. A week before November, I have my story plotted out. Which is unheard of for me. I never fully plot a story before I start. I've tried before, but I always end up stopping and just writing about halfway through. That being said, I did figure out the first half and then avoid it for a week or two- but I went back in and figured out the end! So I know that at least I won't have a breakdown in the middle of the month because I don't know how my story will end. I may, however, have a breakdown in the middle of the month because I finished my story and it's not 50k. So I've started thinking of ideas for little oneshot-type stories that I can write to get to 50k. Because I really want to get to 50k. But again, no high hopes for myself. Of course, I could always just open a word document and start ranting, then count that, but I feel like that's cheating. It's not being creative- it's just ranting.

So, in conclusion, 

Bring it on, November.

---

Jaime

A Poem: Four AM

Four AM

Hello, there, four AM

Hello, old friend

Today, I am stressed

Perhaps you can help me

You just stay there and listen

I will tell you of my troubles

Where did you go?

Oh

Hello there, five AM

Have you come already?

---

Jaime